NEWS:

March 30, 2001: Cheat On Your Emotionally Unstable Chick AND GET AWAY WITH IT (with hitch1969)!

  The big news here at hitchWORLD1969 this week was that Sarge and the crew completely remodeled the David Lee Roth Army website along with the Discussion Forums. It's fucking bomb-proof! Sarge has dumped the UBB software for the forums and is using a new product that runs off mysql. There are many new features, including the ability to upload your own avatar, your own description, post polls, and calendar events. I was so stoked about all this that I did a before/after screen cap which shows the same thread on the old forums (inset) and the new forums (background). The upgrade FUCKING ROCKS!!! Register today and start posting on the greatest Van Halen think tank on the internet!!! Accept no "official" substitutions.

  Additionally, Sarge installed the DLRarmy.com email service that handles all of the email for the personalized domains: @DLRarmy.com, @davidleerothband.com, @rothnroll.com, @VHarmy.com, and @VanHalen.net! The new service is mega-reliable and contains many options including address lists, 5mb storage, and the ability to check POP emails- all free! Head on over to VHarmy.com and get your email today!!!

  ...also in the world of hitch1969 this week, I stumbled onto a fucking goldmine of comedy while browsing the web here at work, from Joe Rogan's website- he's that dude from TV's "NewsRadio". Anyway, as he indicated to me, you HAVE GOT to check out www.psychoexgirlfriend.com!!! Its all about this 25 year-old dude who dumped his 37 year-old girlfriend and she went friggin ballastic and left him 53 voicemails in like, a week. Naturally, being the caring and sensitive cat that he is, he immediately encoded them as mp3s and uploaded them to the site he created, in an effort to "get over her" (his words, not mine). Funny is not the word to describe them- FUCKING HILARIOUS is better! Oh my god!!! He's got 'em all in order, and let me just clue you- on message 4, she claims she's done with him; by message 6 it's a fucking SUICIDE ATTEMPT!!! (so you can just imagine how it goes from there) ...I guess the real sad commentary here is that as I listened more and more (I downloaded them all and burned them on cd for parties and whatnot) is that I think I'd actually FUCK this chick! I am seriously considering emailing this guy for sloppy seconds, even knowing what a crazy chick she is. Thinking with my dick again. Whatta moron. However, to comprehend the hitchLOGIC behind this- and yes, it does make sense- you must understand the hitchman's current perception of women. I live my life upon the premise that they are all crazy. It is simply a question of, to what degree and how much you can tolerate? My fucking ex-wife is the queen bee of these psycho-drama loonies, so I have a high threshhold for this sort of abuse. Ergo, my willingness to bang this crazy broad.

  Just as funny is a similar site I found at www.crazy-bitch.com. EVEN BETTER STORY! Dude is fucking his secretary...girlfriend finds out...Secretary and girlfriend confront man, but he's a non-committal male and does the all-American thing and splits. Secretary and girlfriend do a little "redecorating" at the dude's apartment...THEY TRASH EVERYTHING!!! He's got the pictures and prices and everything on this site- these chicks were merciless leaving nothing undamaged in their psychotic wake. Hell hath no fury? Wait till you see what happens when he calls them (unbeknownst to them) with cops. Folks, this is great American tragedy presented in near real-time on the internet!!! It just doesn't get any fucking better than this...

  Lastly, my buddy {name removed 4-1-01} tells me earlier this week that there's this chick he used to fuck that he's been chatting with on the internet. He lives with this new chick now, who I'm sure is crazy and clingy enough to castrate him if she catches him fucking around on her (serious dude, she's about a fucking 9 on the 10-Psycho-chick meter). But the first chick emails him and wants "you and your friend" to come down to where she lives for a threesome. Guess who "your friend" may be? Christ, I wanna tag team this pear-shaped HOG so goddamned fucking bad that I'm about to put a gun to my buddy's head and make him go. He's too scared of his live-in sCHICK however... h69 will keep you up to date on this one as it develops....

March 23, 2001: hitch1969 banned all over the fuckin' place... TRUST NO ONE, not even friends:

First and foremost, I am a pissed off motherfucker. I got banned from 2 discussion boards this week, purely by my reputation alone. Mind you, I didn't actually DO ANYTHING to get banned. The first ban was at the newly refurbished Van Halen LINKS, and I don't care to discuss that too much other than to say I thought that me and those guys were cool. Apparently not. They were all over my latest character like a fag on dick. Anyway, I guess it was just my past catching up with me, as I watched the water flow under bridges burned.. However- they should know by now that my other "characters" do not behave like the hitchman in all his combativeness and controversy. C'mon guys- you know who I'm talking about- please reinstate him, he's harmless. Plus, he's good with math. uh huh uh huh!

  The second banning, that really makes me wanna go full-on Columbine, was done so fucking underhandedly by someone I considered a friend at one time. It happened over at the newly remodeled Backyard discussion forum of the "official" David Lee Roth Site. My old friend, South Texas Rocker, (STR) , apparently took one of our interactions at the DLRarmy discussion forums earlier this week a little too seriously- and went back to the "official" site where he serves as a discussion moderator and had me banned outright. Had also been emailing a bunch of other mods from the Army discussion board and singlehandedly got some of my threads closed. I mean, Jesus, read this fucking link. Dude says he's emailed me privately to express concerns but never did. What hurts the most is that I called this guy a friend, but he, much like the mood-swinging Van Halen brothers, and I, like David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar before him, felt the icy steel blade plunge into my back. STR, you were my friend. Now you're an asshole and a punk. You handle confrontation passively like a woman behind everyone's back. Do you even have a cock and balls? Is there an ounce of testosterone in your body? You're about as fucking two faced as they come. You are phony and full of false sincerity. You go to hell.

  Lest anyone think I actually did something to get banned, here's the thread in question. It was a sequel to the "Win a Dream date with hitch1969" contest of December 2000, called "Win a Dream Date With h69 Contest Ends SOON". Seemed harmless enough. Felt so good. I was just trying to spread the love. You tell me, STR, what the fuck is in this thread to get me banned and I swear to God, I'll be the first to fucking apologize.

  That was pretty much the week that was hitch. All things being equal, I want to take a minute and be critical of myself and last week's news (below, 3-16-01). I'm sitting there reading it this week from work, and I'm like "what a fuckin GEEK this chucklehead is!". Christ, I'm quoting Captain Kirk like HE'S A realFUCKING PERSON. Put me in a goddamned Star Trek uniform and send me to a convention with the other fucking geeks. I am such a goddamned embarrassment to myself sometimes. Anyway, as a Trekker, I am stoked to report that the infamous "cut scenes" from Star Trek "Generations" (including an alternate ending that was rejected by test audiences and was subsequently re-shot last minute) have surfaced on the internet and are downloadable at www.section31.com. 

  Ok! I gotta go pump the REAL DOLL full of sperm and get some sleep. Wake up and cook her breakfast. That sort of thing. Later...    h69

March 16, 2001: WHAT THE FUCK has happened to hitchWORLD???

Lord, what hath I wrought??? 

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, man. 

I HAVE LET MY SITE GO! "Dear God, Bones... what HAVE... I done?" -Shatner, upon blowing up the Enterprise, Star Trek III, 1984

I ask for your forgiveness, as a Christian soldier. LOOKIT, I got this job thing going on. I've got the ex-wife hosebag, lawyers and all that. I've got responsibilities as a father of 3 young children. Uh, I had to jerk off 3 times a day. Add in time for bowel movements and commuting to work, etc., and there you have it!

....Nah, that's fuckin' bullshit, and I'm calling myself on it. I have let the hitchworld inhabitants down. I've got no fucking excuse. People don't come to my website anymore. That's MY fault. My discussion boards have gone from 100 views a day to NO views a day. I used to get 4 or 5 emails daily, now the hitchworld1969@aol.com account sits empty. No one cares about me. (but then again I never cared about anyone, so I guess it works out in the Karmic BE ALL, end all...uh huh uh huh)

I am the kind of guy who tries to admit and improve upon his mistakes. Or atleast I like to think I am. Anyway, I am going to RECOMMIT myself to this new WIFE OF MINE....Mrs. hitchworld1969. She is my lady. You, the hitchworld viewers, are her bountiful, moist, VAGINA and perky, scoopable, BREASTS. And I shall savor you. I shall jerk off to you when you are not in my presence, I shall forever love you in my heart. I will send you candy on Valentine's Day and always get you the dozen roses on our ANALversary. uh huh uh huh. 

I started hitchworld as a Van Halen fan website, and more importantly, a celebration of hitch1969. It hasn't always been perfect. But YOU always have been perfect, for showing up and checking it out. So I'm gonna give you the h69 guarantee:

I, hitch1969, promise to update this website at a MINIMUM of atleast weekly. Every Friday, I will try to post a rant or hitchISM. I will post on the hitchWORLD1969 forums daily (if I can). There hasn't been alot of Van Halen news lately, but there WILL be when they get together with David Lee Roth. In the meantime, there is always VH news, be it on the internet- or whatever the case may be- which I will help you interpret. You can get the objective "news" from www.vhnd.com. However. you can get the news AND hitch1969's take on it HERE. See the diff?    Nah?         Well, then you're retarded, so go to www.van-halen.com and their discussion forum. Anyway...

"You did what you had to do... turned death into a fighting chance for life..." -Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy, to Captain James Tiberius Kirk, upon the destruction of the Enterprise, Star Trek III, 1984 

I wanna thank all of you who have showed up loyally. I wanna thank all of you who showed up JUST TO SEE WHAT THE FUCK'S THE BIG DEAL BITCH! And I'm sorry I created disinterest in this MASSIVE and GREAT hitchWORLD1969... I will never let you, and the interests of hitchworld down again (maybe once or twice, but let it slide).

I wanna thank Chris, the webmaster of www.dlrarmy.com, especially. He puts up with all my bullshit althewhile putting the BEST David Lee Roth/Van Halen website on the world wide web. In between this, he finds time for his job, school, and his woman. He is the GREATEST!!!

...and always remember: I'm proud of YOU!

-h69

March 6, 2001: Finally got one of the "best of h69" pages up. It's the famous "I love hitch1969, and so do you" thread from the pleasureDUMP from October 13-15, 2000, which led to my first banning at that discussion forum. Not bad considering that the fucking DUMP had only been opened since October 10, 2000. Banned in 5 days- my personal best. Click on the link above to read it or go to it through the "best of h69/SPOCK" link above... There is something to be learned from this, my children. (I'll let you know when I figure out just what that is, however) In the meantime, ENJOY the classics!!!

March 4, 2001:  The conspiracy is unraveling - Ted Templeman is not who we thought:

    Received an email from one "Fox Mulder" over the weekend, with these pictures from highly sensitive government documents. The implication is astounding. Apparently the United States government has been working in conjunction with an extraterrestrial faction to clone Thomas Bradford looking ET-hybrids in an ongoing effort to colonize planet Earth.

   Two examples of this work include the actor Dick Van Patten and Van Halen producer Theodore Templeman. 

    At this time I cannot confirm or deny these allegations. However, rest assured that the staff here at hitchworld1969 are out pounding the pavement chasing these leads. More to follow. The truth is out there...